I Lived the Life of Portia in The White Lotus and, Although My Boss Didn’t Die, It Kinda Sucked For Me Too
Ever since the pandemic loosened its grip on our travel limitations, the 20 and 30-somethings of Instagram have had an obsession with Italy. Just this morning I mindlessly scrolled through my feed and saw someone I know in the Amalfi Coast, another friend in Florence, and a friend of a friend in Lake Como. Must be nice, right?
Well, last summer I spent three months working in Italy on a movie as an assistant to the executive producer, so I can attest that yes, it is nice. I shared my journey on TikTok and because of the built in allure that Italy holds over our social media feeds, I went semi-viral a few times. I shared the highlights and none of the lowlights of my adventures.
I posted the narrative that I felt I was supposed to share with the world: Italy is amazing! I’m living and working abroad in my twenties! This is The Dream™! And when I returned home I told people how much I loved it and how lucky I felt to have gotten this incredible experience (which I was). But what I didn’t share in the moment, or after the fact, was how incredibly lonely and isolating it was. I didn’t tell people that I’d been diagnosed with PTSD just a month before going to Italy and I was still working through the symptoms. I didn’t tell people that the only other Americans I was working with were my boss and the likes of Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda, so I didn’t exactly have any friends to hang out with or talk to. I did my best to meet people on social media and make friends with my Italian coworkers, yet most Saturdays were spent walking around Rome on my own. But, I was in Italy! It would be wrong to complain about any part of an opportunity that – based on my social media feed – many people would kill for. So, the loneliness warped itself into guilt, the guilt warped itself into more guilt, and I did my best to ignore any negative feelings I was having. Instead, I posted on Instagram and TikTok about all the cool stuff I was doing and all the amazing food I was eating and continued to pretend I was living The Dream™!
Toward the end of the trip my isolation increased tenfold when a loved one of mine relapsed and another loved one was diagnosed with cancer, all within the same week. I called home for love and support, but the nine hour time difference limited my chances of hearing the voices that brought me comfort. I continued showing up for work while also crying in the bathroom. My Italian coworkers did their best to show kindness through a universal language: chocolate. I felt a sense of support from the compassionate people around me, but without any friends or family nearby I continued to feel alone and scared. I wanted to go home which again made me feel guilty in the face of this opportunity. Finally, the job ended and I flew home, where I continued to use social media to make my life look like things were great and my life was a giant “adventure”! (Because, like everyone in their 20s, I’m contractually obligated to love and seek out “adventures”).
Then, a few months after returning home, Mike White’s second season of The White Lotus dropped on HBOMax. Week after week people reached out to me asking, “Wait, was Portia based on you?”. I had seen the similarities the second she hit my screen: young, blonde, traveled to Italy to work as someone’s assistant, silly outfits, kind of annoying. I did a side-by-side comparison on TikTok and yet again went a little bit viral. Apart from the surface level similarities, one thing I couldn’t help but notice was Portia’s haphazard interest in being in Italy for the summer. And guess what? People absolutely hated her for it, calling her the most annoying character on the show. It made me feel glad that I didn’t share with the world any negative feelings I’d personally had while living La Dolce Vita.
Now, a year later, summer has rolled back around and our social media feeds are yet again populated by those Mediterranean blue seas and orange Aperol spritzes. Adventures! All being posted by the few who have the money and vacation days to escape to Italy. A split second of envy grows within me and then I remind myself of something we hear often, yet rarely internalize: “social media is a highlight reel.” I think it’s easy to romanticize and compare when we’re sitting on our couch looking at beautiful photos and videos. It’s easy to forget there’s a real person with complicated feelings behind the screen. Taking all of this into consideration, I’m doing my best to learn the idea that two opposing things can be true at once. I experienced the privilege of working in Italy and I also experienced negative feelings around being in Italy. Portia said it best in episode two when she said:
I just wanna, I don't know, feel like fulfilled and have an adventure, and, like, I'm sick of fucking TikTok and Bumble, and just screens and apps and sitting there binging Netflix. And I just... I just wanna, like, live. I just wanna live my life, so badly.
We all feel this way. And just as Season 2 of The White Lotus proved to us, it’s easy to continue to feel this way even once you’re on your adventure.
I contributed to the social media envy, but in real life I was miserable and annoying, just like Portia. And for that, I apologize, and want to scream loudly: don’t believe everything you see online! So do your best to scroll without envy and embrace the summer you have ahead of you, no matter where your adventure is taking you. And, if you’re on that adventure, but it kind of sucks too, just know that you’re allowed to feel like shit while still getting a tan.
